Bear Accused of Murder

The gruesome murder of one Russian and the attempted murder of another by an ice skating bear has led to calls for a ban on skates, says Russian official. The official, who asked to remain anonymous said, “This would not have happened if bears were not allowed to wield sharp steel blades, four of them at a time, no less.”

The family of the man who died, Vladimir Kutyurkocoff, who own the largest skate making plant in Russia retorted, “Skates don’t kill people, you idiot. Bears kill people!”