Mixing My Metaphors

I was just cleaning out some files and came across this.

Over the years I've listened to thousands of horrific stories of abuse, both from the abused and the abuser. Right or wrong, in order to find reprieve from the mind-shredding accounts of how people treat each other, I kept track of some of the funnier things that clients unintentionally said. Of course we all say nonsensical and silly things from time to time. I didn't keep track of them because I think that I'm immune from doing the same. These are just some comments that come from the clients themselves. Because you don't have the context in which these things were said, I've added my clarifying comments in italics.

"I tried to build a repertoire with her but it didn’t work. She’s too difficult."
Maybe if you’d tried to build a rapport it would have worked better.

"Geez, what does she want from me? I’m not going to the physiotherapist for my health."
Ah, yes actually, you are.

"She opens her mouth before she talks."
It beats mumbling, but you probably mean before she thinks.

"Last week she told me that she was coming back and now she’s done a complete 360 degree change of mind and she’s staying where she is."
180 degrees would have done the job.

"I was kind of scared about it but he reinsured me everything was OK."
Probably would have been better to be reassured unless the issue was dangerous and then maybe insurance would be appropriate.

"You don’t have to be blind to see what’s going on."
What?

"Apparently alcoholism goes into recession."
If it doesn’t go into remission, you may experience a financial recession.

"My eyes look like two piss-holes in the wind."
Probably means in the snow.

“I’m on a high cholesterol diet.”
Not unless your doctor is trying to kill you.

“I don’t have any problem in that area at all. I can sleep on a dime.”
A person is said to be able to stop on a dime. Sleeping on one is a bit of a stretch.

“So we hit two stones with one bird.”
Birds are a little soft for the job.

“We have so much in common. We’re like two peas in the corn.”
Two peas in a pod perhaps?

“I’m not some blow Joe off the street. I didn’t just fall off the stone truck.”
Perhaps Joe blow falling off the turnip truck?

“Now that dad is buried we can have foreclosure on this thing.”
Most people simply strive for closure.

“It was such a revolution to me. I had never seen it that way before.”
A revelation would have been clearer still.

“I get really bad Noxema in summer; especially in my ears. It weeps and it’s itchy. It’s terrible.”
Does she get eczema as well?

“I’m so mad, I just think to myself, they can go fly straight up to the top of a kite and try to get struck by lightning.”
This is probably an extended version of ‘they can go fly a kite’.

“My problem is that I had her built up too high. I think I’ve put her on a totem pole, where maybe she should have been on a foot-stool or something.”
Most men simply put her on a pedestal.

“Even though things have been going bad, there is some constellation in the fact that we’re talking.”
Is there any conciliation that they are talking in our own constellation?

“I keep banging my head against a bush.”
Banging your head against a wall would get the point through more effectively.

“I’ve asked her over for lunch, and to go to movies, and to just come over for a visit. I’ve made the first move over and over again to build this friendship, and she never retaliates. That’s it. I’m not calling anymore.”
Retaliating is what might happen if she doesn’t reciprocate soon.

“I’m not giving her any money. What does she think, that grass grows on trees?”
If money can, why not grass?


“I think she’s just making a geological escape.”
Not to be confused with a geographical escape.

“I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and a wall.”
Obviously not satisfied with just being between a rock and a hard place.

“You get a real stigmatism if people see you going for counselling.”
Does that come before or after the stigma that’s often attached to counselling?

“I try to talk to him but he goes off on a stingent.”
Right around the corner from a tangent I assume.

“He lures at girls his daughter’s age.”
I guess one only leers at older women.

“I declaimed bankruptcy.”
You can claim bankruptcy, and you can declare bankruptcy, so is this doing both at once?

“That’s my own vindiction showing up.”
At least we’re not exposed to her vindictiveness.