What is Love?

I often work with couples who are tearing at each other, and degrading each other and criticising each other and all the while they’re prefacing their statements with, “I love h/her but . . .”

When I hear that kind of ridiculous talk, I place on the wall across from the couple a definition of love as it is given to us in 1st Corinthians 13:4-8. It’s very effective in ending the stupid talk and allowing us to get down to work. As the song said, “The fear of being alone is not the same as being in love.”

Sadly, most of the people I work with have never seen what a good marriage looks like. They grew up with parents who were simply incapable of showing / giving real love. The problem with that is, if you haven’t seen real love, if you haven’t experience real love, it’s very, very difficult to get it right in your own relationships. In fact, unless Jesus invites you to become His student, it may very well be impossible to live in a marriage where real love is expressed to each other. Oh you may have a marriage that can appear as good as any other, maybe even better than most others. But it will still be a third rate marriage. In fact, the majority of people settle for far, far less than what we were meant to have. So, what does real love look and feel like?

Real Love Never Gives Up: While your anger may last for hours or even days, love and grace and mercy will always outlast that. Forgiveness will conquer resentment. “There but for the grace of God go I” will be a motto to live by.

Real Love cares more for others than for self: Love is kind and helpful, even to one’s enemies. Love is not harsh or filled with criticism, and it speaks words that will build up rather than tear down.

Real Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have: Love isn’t jealous, nor does it envy. It doesn’t become bitter or sarcastic because others have more or better things. Love is content with what God has given. Real love does not fantasise about someone other than your partner.

Real Love doesn’t brag: Real Love is not arrogant: Love is accepting of others who may have been given less that you; less intelligence, less beauty, less social decorum. Love especially doesn’t brag about putting someone in their place. Real love is gentle, humble, generous and kind.

Real Love doesn’t force itself on others: Real love shows respect and patience even when not getting what you want.

Real Love doesn’t have to be first: Love isn’t selfish. It doesn’t care if someone else slips into line. It lets others have the last desert. It does not run from abuse, but uses the abuse to help the abusive person change.

Real Love doesn’t fly off the handle: Love isn’t short-tempered or easily frustrated. Love sees the pain behind the problem person.

Real Love doesn’t keep score of sins: Love does not bring up the past or keep score of wrongs suffered. Love does not carry a grudge.

Real Love doesn’t revel when others grovel: A sure sign that love is lacking, is when person (a) wants person (b) to change, and when person (b) shows remorse and wants to change, person (a) will not accept the change. In the absence of love, person (a) will experience an overwhelming desire to punish or at least withhold forgiveness.

Real Love rejoices with the truth: Love and truth are partners. When you love someone you give them the freedom to speak the truth and to know the truth.

*Real Love puts up with anything: To bear with someone means you are not a rainy day friend. You are committed to the relationship. You don’t give up when the going gets tough. Real love does not get sidetracked or look for escape when others cause pain.

Real Love trusts God always: When you give others the benefit of the doubt, you show them God’s love. Love has an incurable confidence that God is at work in someone’s life and never gives up looking out for their best.

*Real Love Allows Consequences To Be The Teacher: While real love doesn’t “hit back” neither does it “accept” unacceptable behaviour. Real love does not allow a man to think that hitting his wife is acceptable. Real love does not allow a woman believe that repeated intoxication is acceptable. Real love does not allow a child to ignore rules. Real love allows consequences, natural, realistic consequences to fall where they may. Real love does not enable wrong behaviour.

A lack of love is a sure sign of the lack of God and the lack of an effective faith in one’s life. If you find yourself lacking in love, don’t walk further away from God, but turn to Him, run to Him, fall on your knees before Him, repent of your arrogance, and beg God to give to you His love. It’s a wonderful, bracing, strengthening experience.