Thursday, October 23, 2008

That kid is going to Nebraska

There’s nothing quite like American ingenuity. Centrally located for easy access, the United States of America has provided for it’s citizens “Child-Be-Gone: The Nebraska Drop-off Depot for Unwanted Children.”

As of March / 08, any person who has an infant who is no longer providing that fulfilled feeling that new parents mistakenly believe will last forever, can now take the little darling(s) to Nebraska, open the chute provided on the drop boxes and simply say, “I’m outta here.” According to the brochure, this service is also available for older children. There is no charge for this service. No questions get asked. Simply cross the State line, open the car door and shoo the little munchkin off into the sunset. Paragraph three of the Press Release states that removing the duct tape from wrists and ankles of the child is optional. What’s surprising about this program is that it isn’t just for the really horrible kids. For example:

. If your 12 year old daughter doesn’t take out the garbage? Off to Nebraska with her.

. If your 16 year old son is 10 minutes late bringing the car home? Off to Nebraska with him.

Because no questions are asked, the only excuse you really need is the one that you tell yourself. “It’s really whatever you can live with,” said Connie Altmont, who is the Director of the Nebraska Chamber of Commerce.

Apparently schools are even getting into the act. Mrs. Wheeler’s grade six class in Broken Arrow, Main is practically empty. This is because many parents have signed waivers allowing teachers to decide independently as to whether any given child, regardless of age should be allowed to remain in the community. “The two students that I have left are just the sweetest little helpers that I’ve ever had in my 60 years of teaching,” said Wheeler who keeps several rolls of duct tape on her desk, “Just as a reminder to pay attention.”

Despite complaints and concerns from those who have never been blessed by children, State Trooper Graham Pollick said "Child-Be-Gone" is not “that bad of an idea.” Graham stated that since Nebraska began accepting kids from “across North America” the incidents, reported from law enforcement agencies across the nation, of finding kids stuffed into suitcases and left in the ally “is way down.” Because the United States is a deeply Christian nation, Graham attributes this drop to the fact that “stuffing your kid into a rolled up carpet and dumping it in the woods really does a number on the conscience of a lot of people in this country. If there's a less violent means of changing the family dynamic, Christians will pick it every single time.”

Border guard Anthony (The Tone Man) Tilly stated, “The size of Canadian families that are coming into the States has grown remarkably [over the last few months].” “It used to be that we’d see Canadian moms and dads with 1 or 2 children in the vehicle. Now they’re coming across with 5,6 and sometimes 8 or 9 kids, all of them stacked like cordwood in the back of vans. It’s a little suspicious but hey, this isn’t Russia. If they say they’re on the way to Sea World what am I supposed to do?” Reports of an underground railway made up of individuals willing to secretly remove your children from Canada, for a very steep price, could not be confirmed at the time of this writing.

Linda Cullen, from “Save the Children” asks, “Just where are all these children going? Go to any park in Omaha and you don’t see any increase in playground use. We know from volunteer spotters that there are at least 800 to a 1,000 kids getting dumped into Nebraska every week. Where are they?” We managed to find and interview one 15-year-old girl who said she used to live in California. When asked why her parents drove her all the way to the Nebraska border only to “burn rubber” going the other direction without her, Tanisha* said, “My mom and I were having this huge argument and when I said, “Well if you don’t want me why’d you have me?” mom looked at me with crazy eyes and said, “Who knew it would be you!!.” Tanisha* got tears in her eyes but turned away so we wouldn’t see.

We witnessed parents shoving their children out of the vehicle at the border, some of them not even bothering to come to a full stop. We attempted to speak with them but all but one were unwilling to comment. Mary Janzen, from Dayton Ohio, who requested that her name not be used explained, “It’s true that we’re living in a much more diverse society, but this Child-Be-Gone service may take awhile to be accepted by everyone. We don’t want to be hassled by fundamentalists who disagree with this. In the mean time, my husband and I are off to Aruba.”

So there you have it. Another first for the United States of America.
*(Tanisha is not her real name)

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