"The unusual death of a Saskatchewan resident offers conclusive proof of spontaneous combustion." So says Duncan Saskatchewan Fire Chief Cheryl Nutter. "Apparently he was lying on this bed moaning about how hot he was when he just went up in a puff of smoke."
“All we know at this point,” declared fire investigator Chuck (Chucky) Abercrombie, “is that the cause of this unfortunate fire was pretty much natural in nature.”
Coroner Cindy Fisher stated at a hastily held press conference, “Apparently Mr. Holmgren burst into flames three to four minutes after consuming 1 (one) 100mg. tablet of Niacin. While it would have taken three to five minutes for Mr. Holmgren to die, he was heard shouting in a loud voice, “At least I won’t have to be taking that crap anymore.”
When asked for comment, Holmgren’s wife Wendy said, “I don’t understand. He loved hot sauce, especially with Dim Sum, but this Niacin brought out no end of complaining in that man. Guess it was hotter than I thought. Well, it’s good I got insurance. Even before Rod melted all over it, that bedroom carpet was real ugly.”
Five year old Jaida, who lives three doors down from the deceased, described Mr. Holmgren as a nice man, “but he looked real scary after taking his Niacin. My dad said that when Mr. Holmgren had taken his Niacin, he looked like he’d just been staked out naked in the desert sun for five days. He was just as red as this here tomato for a whole hour after taking his pills. That’s why we kids all called him Mr. Tomato Face. I even bet my friend Walker that old man Holmgren would start on fire one day. Now I wished I’d bet him more than just one ice-cream cone.”
While taking Niacin won't explain all cases of spontaneous combustion, we now know that in at least some cases, one tiny pill is all that it takes.