Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Who’s really wearing the pants?

ARMADILLO TEXAS (Reuters) September 3 / 08
A recently released study from U of T Armadillo, shows that 99.87% of women between the ages of 18 and 80 who are in a relationship are either “Much More Happy” or “Significantly More Happy” if they have total control over their partner’s lives.

Svetlana Yablonski, senior researcher and author of the study stated,
“Women experience significant levels of depression, chronic irritation and trouble sleeping when their partners made independent decisions regarding such things as: entertainment, choice of restaurant, whether to have children or even what time to go to bed. Conversely, when a woman had the final say as to whether her partner could turn on the computer, what time her partner should begin cooking dinner, what colour pants her partner could purchase or “just about anything really,” those women report a dramatic rise in self-esteem, desire to shop, and an unusual compulsion to withhold sex. Total control appeared to be related to greater personal happiness.

A surprising outcome to some was that these results were the same for couples in lesbian relationships and heterosexual relationships. “That could explain,” said Yablonski, “the considerably shorter duration of lesbian vs. heterosexual relationships. There can only be one god in any given universe and when you have two individuals vying for that position, well, the results speak for themselves.”


Samuel Skinner said...

Alot of people seem to have forgotten marriage is a parnership- you don't own your opposite. Of course, most people are rather bad at thinking, so it wouldn't surprise me. Some people figure this out though and have nice, long happy marriages.

Makarios said...

Oh dear, I haven't been clear again. Samuel, this was satire, made up, not real. I don't even know if a town called Armadillo exists. Sorry. I sometimes do stuff like that.