Jack Kevorkian Changes Course

In a blistering tirade, sent via text message to the Portland Herald, soon to be paroled Jack Kevorkian lambasted those who "are bound to start pestering me to kill them." Telling them to "bugger off" and to "get a life, er like you know what I mean," Kevorkian continued, "I’m sick of these people waiting until they are unable to even take a sip of water or wipe their ass before deciding to kill themselves. "These are not stupid people," Kevorkian ranted, "it's poor planning, plain and simple." "Give your head a shake folks. No matter how much I might want to do it, I'm supposed to try to not kill any more people once I get out of this place. If you know you aren’t going to want a natural death, don’t wait until you can’t use your hands, stick a gun in your mouth today and pull the trigger. Besides, do you think one more year of living is going to be that special? If you know your legs are going to give out on you by March, jump off a building this morning while you can still climb a flight of stairs. Do you think your children will experience any less pain, and guilt eight months from now than they would today? If you know that humans only have value while they can earn an income - if you know that life only counts when you’re attractive - if you know that experiencing pain shouldn’t have to be tolerated by anyone - if you know that only pleasant parts of life are worth experiencing - if you know that old age will give you the creeps, why even wait until you’re diagnosed with something, kill yourself tonight. Come to think of it this afternoon would be better. Who knows, you might be in a car accident tonight, and bump your head. Think about it! Tomorrow you might be incapable of killing yourself. Do it right after lunch. No - sooner! You might have a stroke within the next minute and drool for the next forty years. Grab the butter knife and slash your wrists. You can bleed to death while you finish reading these words of wisdom. And since only the beautiful, rich, and intelligent are worth having around, ask the folks next door, the ones who have that little girl with some kind of disability if they would mind you killing her while you’re in the mood." Quickly typing, "The pigs are at my cell door," Kevorkian ended his message with what he said would be his new moto: "Plan For Tomorrow - Kill Yourself Today."