My Kids and Monster Trucks

I took my four kids to the Monster Truck Rally last night. This might sound like it was awful, but it wasn’t. Really! First we went to a fast food place. You know, to make it a real nice night out. Because I use a cane, I can’t carry a tray full of drinks and food. I’m with two six-year-olds, and two five-year-olds, so I had the kids carry their own drinks to the table.
"Wyatt, take this drink to the table." He left. "Riley this is yours. Take it to the table." "Walker, here’s yours." He left. "Chelsey, here’s your drink."
"Dad. There’s no place left to sit."
"What do you mean there’s no place left? This place isn’t full."
"There’s no place left dad."
"Look, just take your drink and go sit down. I’ll bring the food in just a minute."
I went around the corner with the tray of food and there were my four kids sitting at four different tables.
"Come and sit over here," I said in a voice that was a bit more severe than I’d like other people to think that I speak.
"But I want to sit at this one," they yelled almost in unison
I’m not sure what look exactly that I had on my face but they quietly and quickly came to the table to which my finger was pointing. The meal went well with no out of the ordinary mishaps. Only Chelsey was able to finish her drink. I didn’t mind as I thought, Good, no one will have to go to the bathroom. Nevertheless, after eating I said, "There are going to be thousands of people at this thing. Go to the bathroom here so you don’t have to do it there."
After standing in the hallway for a considerable amount of time and after hearing way too much laughter, I opened the door to the handicap bathroom into which I’d shoved them, only to find kids skating on a soaped up floor. I didn’t yell or faint. I just herded them out to the van.
As we walked through the door to the arena, my last words were, "Stay with me. Don’t take your eyes off the back of my head."
Our seats were on the other side so it was a fair hike. Part way there I saw a Stand selling tickets for Monster Truck rides. I’m always early and the tickets were only half as much as I would have expected so -
"Four tickets please." The kids are gonna love this.
I turned around to hand out four tickets. There were only two kids behind me.
"Where are Wyatt and Walker?"
"I don’t know."
"How long have they been gone?"
"I don’t know."
I looked to the right. Nothing. I looked to the left. Nothing. I took Riley and Chelsey over to the railing and said in a voice filled with ‘take me seriously,’ "Don’t move. Stay right here. If anyone asks you to come with him, even if it’s for candy, scream as loud as you can and kick him."
I walked as far to the right as I thought a five and six year old would walk. Nothing. I went back to make sure Riley and Chelsey were still glued to their spot. I walked as far to the left as I thought a five and six year old would walk. Nothing. I went back to make sure Riley and Chelsey were still glued to their spot. I climbed onto a spot-light stand and looked and looked and looked. And there, far away, very far away, stood Wyatt; he was watching the Show Crew getting things ready.
One last time I told Chelsey and Riley, "Stay here. Don’t move."
When I got to Wyatt, he looked up, and with some surprise he said, "Hi."
"What are you doing here," I asked in what I thought was a pretty calm voice, considering the circumstances.
"Huh?"
"What are you doing here? You were supposed to be with me. You were supposed to follow me."
"Huh?"
It was then that I noticed that Walker wasn’t there.
"Where’s you’re little brother?" I admit I was feeling some panic.
"Huh?"
"Wyatt! WHERE IS YOUR LITTLE BROTHER?"
"I don’t know. Look! They’re giving rides on a Monster Truck. Can I go?"
I took Wyatt back to Riley and Chelsey and told him to stay put. "Nobody leaves. You all stay right where you are. Together!"
I was just walking away when I heard, "If there is a grandpa in the crowd, otherwise known as Rod, please go to the souvenir stand to pick up Walker."
The souvenir stand was about 24 kilometres away but sure enough, there was dear, precious Walker. I didn’t kill him. I just took him and the three others down level after level to the Monster Truck rides. After a wait that seemed to go on forever, it was our turn. I turned to give the kids their tickets and what do I see? Riley is bouncing up and down with his legs squeezed together and grimacing with a, "Dad. I’ve got to go pee."
"Why didn’t you go at the restaurant?"
"Dad. I got to pee?"
"No. I’m not wasting this money and I’m not going to the back of the line. Look! You can’t even see the end of it. You are going on that truck and when you’re done, we’ll all go to the bathroom."
Heartless you think? Ya. Well. Anyhow, surprise, surprise, he held it in for the whole bumpy ride. He did however break a land speed record running to the washrooms.
"All of you. Make sure you pee and POOP if you have to. We’re not coming back here during the show."
Chelsey entered one stall. The other three disappeared in another. It went well. They’ve been known to pee on the one already sitting on the toilet.

The trucks roared. They leaped in the air. The motocross bikes flew seemingly right over our heads. The stunts were spectacular. Wyatt said he had to go pee.
"We were in the bathroom just fifteen minutes ago?"
"I didn’t have to go pee then."
"OK. Everybody up. We’re going to the bathroom."
"But I don’t have to go," wails Walker.
"Well Wyatt does, so we’re all going," I say with a smile.
"I want to see the trucks," whines Chelsey.
"Go. Go now," I’m still smiling but it’s over clenched teeth.
"We’ll miss all the good stuff," Walker protested.
I mustered up the same look I used in the restaurant. They rose as one.
I am never buying tickets in the middle of a row ever again.
"Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. Riley you just about knocked the drink out of that man’s hands. Sorry. Coming through."
We made our way up to the main level without Wyatt peeing his pants.
"All of you go to the bathroom. Pee is always dripping into your bladder," I explained in earnest to the reluctant ones. "Even if you don’t have to pee really bad right now, you can still make some come out. Now go. The stunt riders are starting."
The big bald guy brushing his fuzz may have been smiling.
"Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry. C’mon, he’s just a kid. Look there’s still some popcorn left. Excuse me. Sorry."
I am telling you, without a word of a lie that we were not sitting there for more than ten minutes before Walker says, "I have to pee."
"How in the world can you have to pee," I yelled at the top of my voice just as the trucks cut their engines.
People were looking. I think one lady was dialling Social Services.
"I have to pee bad."
I swear, I only thought about it for a minute. Not a second longer. It was too long. As we made our way up the stairs, Walker’s pants were soaked front and back. He must have been sitting in it. My guilt was appeased somewhat by the fact that Walker seemed oblivious to the fact that we were walking to the bathroom essentially for nothing.
As we made our way back to the seats I told Walker how sorry I was for not getting up right away.
"That’s ok ‘cause I love you. Thanks for taking me to this. It’s fun."
I am telling you, without a word of a lie that we were not sitting there for more than five minutes before Walker says, "I have to go poo."
This time I did not take the time to think about it. And as we made our way to the washroom, for the last time that evening I might add, I had a genuine smile on my face. I was smiling because I’m fifty-six-years-old, I’ve been retired for five years and I’ve got kids. Lots of em. My oldest is twenty-nine-years-old and my youngest is two-years-old. Specifically, my kids are 29, 26, 2 x 6, 2 x 5 and 2 years old. They’re all adopted. I’m one of the luckiest men in the world ‘cause I could be wasting my time, enjoying my retirement by sitting on the beach or painting pictures or some such nonsense. Instead, I’ve got the most enjoyable, valuable thing in the world to do, and that’s getting the next generation ready to make this world a better place in which to live. My life has meaning and context and purpose.
Actually, we’re going to Hawaii, beginning March first, to lie on the beach for two weeks. That should be quite a trip.