As I climbed into bed last night and began my last prayer of the day, my past came to mind. The literally countless acts of rebellion against my Creator were remembered like an endless trainload of crushed vehicles or scrap metal. Stealing, fighting, cheating, using people and being used by people. Alcohol and street drug abuse, sex with I don’t even know how many women. I was absolutely untrustworthy. I was treacherous. I was unable to love anyone except myself. What a wretch! What a pitiful excuse for a human being. And none of it showed. At least not to anyone in the crowd to which I belonged. Money, clothes, cars, the best seats in the best clubs, and everything else that a hedonistic young man could want was mine. Just below the surface however lay a deep, dark pool of evil. Arrogance and pride oozed from every pore. Why I never wound up in prison is still a mystery to me. Why no one every died because of my behaviours is still a mystery. I used to say, ‘I never reached the bottom, but from where I stood, I could clearly see it, smell it and touch it.’
My memory brought back an image of thousands and thousands and thousands of sins. Yet this was not a depressing memory. Nor was it a memory that was akin to a bad dream. You see, this was a litany of sins for which I’ve been forgiven. As I pondered the amazing Grace and Mercy of my Lord and Saviour, my head bowed and my eyes lowered in humble submission to the one who died to set me free from my absolute slavery to a sinful life. It became clearer to me than at any previous time in the past when I'd read in the Bible how those who came into a clear awareness of God’s glory fell on their faces before Him. The more that I or anyone catches a glimpse of our sinfulness, the more that the Love of God stands out in contrast. Our forgiveness is like a stream leading back to the clear, cold glacier source, or a beam of light leading the seeker back to the Son.
I can’t begin to describe how wonderful it is to have a healed and forgiven relationship with Jesus the Christ. For only in a loving relationship does a person have the freedom to change. It was once again a good reminder that while -
I’m not who I should be
And I’m not who I’m going to be
Thanks to God alone
I’m not who I used to be.
If I needed only one miracle to prove to me the reality of Jesus as God, I’m it. I still have light-years of change to go before I become a decent human being. Yet, the distance that God has brought me is mind-boggling. I truly am a new creation. So what makes this a miracle? I mean, lots of people improve themselves. Lot’s of people go on self-improvement programs and amaze everyone around them who had basically written them off. Well, that’s just it. “I” didn’t do this. I didn’t set out to change or to become a better person. All I did was accept Jesus as my Lord and Saviour and the rest, as they say, is history. Jesus did the changing. Jesus did the strengthening. Jesus did the moulding and the shaping and the growing. All glory be to God, the Creator of all that is seen and unseen.
Amen and Amen.
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1 comment:
This sort of testimony is rather interesting to me. I mean, everybody is interested in saving face on some level or another - even if just to maintain one's self image.
You seem to have detached yourself enough from yourself in earlier years enough to be able to criticize that person without harming your own self-image. To some degree, it's almost as if degrading your former self (and thereby praising your new self - while shoveling the praise on your personal interpretation of Jesus... perhaps an extension of your own self or a dreamt-up person you've come up with) is what helps you keep up your self-image.
It's really interesting, and you've clearly shown yourself to be emotionally invested in the conclusions you come to. It's a paradigm I've seen before.
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