When I ask Christian couples, “Why do you think God instituted the concept of marriage?” I get many different answers, but they seem to fall into the following categories.
“To combat loneliness.”
“So that we have support.”
“To help us achieve our goals.” and
“To give a stable place for children to grow.”
Any or all of those may be true, but as I work with couples one thing stands out for me. Marriage is perhaps the best tool AND the best opportunity that any of us will ever have for learning what it means to love another individual. Many people get married with the expectation that now they will BE loved. Precious few go into a marriage with the expectation that now they will learn to bless someone else with loving behaviours. While we think we’re getting married because we’re “In Love,” it is in fact living within a long-term ie. Committed Marriage that teaches us how to love.
God seems to take our intimate relationships very, very seriously. When He says, “I hate divorce,” and “The only reason that I allow divorce is because of your hard and evil hearts,” what other conclusion can there be.
Agape love, which is the willed, volitional, desired, choice to love another human being is the ingredient that is most missing in our world today. Back in the day a rock group sang a song called, “All You Need Is Love.” That’s a theme that’s been sung to death in countless versions by the lost and lonely among us. Yet it’s true. All we do need is love, but I suspect that agape love is not the kind of love that musicians have in mind. In fact, the word “love” as it’s used in popular music is simply a euphemism for sex because that's the only type of love they'll ever experience. The kind of love that most musicians sing about is the kind of love that we “get,” NOT the kind that we give. Hence, the majority of our relationship breakdowns come from the attitude, “If you don’t love me, if you don’t give me what I want or what I think that I need, I’m out of here.” That is why traditional wedding vows did not ask “DO you love this person . . . ?” but “WILL you love this person for better or for worse . . .?” Love, real love, the love that counts is a love that's a decision.
The kind of love that God is trying to grow in us is the kind of love with which He loves us.
. God chooses to love us, but not because we’re lovable.
. God chooses to love us, but not because we have something of worth to offer Him in return.
. God doesn’t need our love nor does He have some desperate need to love us.
Yet His love is the greatest entity in the universe. And because He loves us, and because experiencing His love is the greatest good that we will ever have, God wants to not only share His love with us, He wants us to know what it’s like to share that kind of love with others. Agape love is the currency of heaven. Those who have no interest in agape love will not reside in heaven.
So how does marriage promote or develop agape love? Sooner or later in any marriage couples reach a point where each partner can see nothing lovable about h/her spouse. It is at that point that we have a choice. Will we give up or will we press on? Will we walk away or will we enter more fully into the relationship?
Soon or later in any marriage, the spouse seemingly does everything wrong and nothing right. Over time our bodies become less physically attractive and sometimes our personalities go the same route. We become disengaged. We quit trying to impress and we become impervious to being impressed. Life becomes routine and as the saying goes, we begin to take each other for granted.
. If our main attraction to the other person was based on looks, in the absence of the desire to love and appreciate, that kind of attraction is not going to last.
. If our main attraction to the other person was excitement or money, in the absence of the desire to love and appreciate, sooner or later those things will fail to impress.
However, for those who have experienced God’s love and forgiveness and mercy and grace, for those who have been infused with the very character of God, giving love and forgiveness and mercy and grace to those who do not deserve it becomes an amazing experience that brings a peace and joy that simply cannot be snuffed out. Nor can it be matched by anything else in this temporal life. To have one’s character built in the midst of difficult relationships, to have one’s personality become one whereby getting love is not required for one’s well-being or security becomes such an otherworldly experience that eventually the other partner almost always responds in a positive manner.
What’s the purpose of marriage?
. To teach us to love.
. To develop our character.
. To change our personality from one that demands love to one that is able to give love and mercy and grace.
In other words, the purpose of marriage is to make us more like Jesus.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Down with the Family! Long live Heartache!
It’s no surprise that those who have experienced multiple relationship failures, and who see serial adultery as simply “going where my heart leads” are primarily the ones who are also championing / supporting lifestyles that corrode the stable family model. People like Lindsay Lohan say things like, “No one needs marriage. It’s not wrong to have an abortion. It’s not wrong to get pregnant and not be married. It’s not wrong to live with someone without getting married.” Because they don't know where to find committed love, and because they've never learned how to give committed love, they pretend that love is not important. That is the message with which they relentlessly and tenaciously pound your children.
Society needs relationship and family planning advice from Ms. Lohan and her Hollywood peer group like my three-year-old needs to attend a day-care run by a paedophile. Likewise, having the Entertainment Industry hold an AID’s benefit is like having the Tobacco Industry put on a Cigarette Awareness Week at your local middle school. They're not interested in health. They want a pill that will allow them to continue the very lifestyle that does nothing but promote STD's including AID's.
Having a good life is not an accident. We can’t put on just any old behaviours and expect good results. Good outcomes require good input. If we’ve learned nothing else from history we should know by now that Marriage is the foundation for an emotionally healthy family, and the Family serves as the foundation for an emotionally healthy society.
The Christian marriage paradigm is built on this foundation:
. God is the CREATOR of the marriage relationship;
. Heterosexuality is God's PATTERN for marriage;
. Monogamy is God's BLUEPRINT for marriage;
. God's PLAN for marriage is for physical and spiritual UNITY, and
. Marriage was DESIGNED to be permanent
- Your children’s emotional health is dependent on this paradigm. Social experiments which set this design aside have consistently failed.
- Your community’s stability is dependent on this paradigm. The tragic repercussions of the anti-family experiment are as obvious as global warming or the depletion of the fish stocks or the demise of the world’s rain forests. There is something terribly wrong and if we don’t pay attention to the symptoms disaster looms large.
- Your nation’s strength and the world’s attainment of peace is almost totally dependent on this paradigm. The past has repeatedly proven it. The present is showing what we should have learned from the past, and the future will be nothing short of disaster if we fail to learn from the past in this regard.
I’m convinced that one of the reasons why God brought about the concept of marriage as opposed to taking whoever and whatever we want, is that for humanity to continue, and for our children to grow into stable, emotionally and spiritually healthy individuals, people need to be committed to the well-being of at least one other person. Each of us needs to be totally sold-out to a determined effort to support at least one other person for the duration of our lives. Simply put, the human race will not survive without this type of commitment. This has nothing to do with “being loved.” It has everything to do with our willed, desired, volitional love that is directed toward at least one other individual, again, for the duration of our natural life.
That is how God loves us. He will literally die for you, in order to provide for you a safe and secure home - for eternity no less.
Sadly the way our society is headed, with it’s “I promise to love you as long as I'm getting what I want from you,” it simply will not cut it. Lines are being drawn in the sand. Beliefs are becoming entrenched. Even worse, the deliberate undermining of our society’s supports is being done almost completely out of ignorance. People like those described above don’t even know that a better way to live exists. They have been raised in an atmosphere of survival of the fittest. You meet my needs or I’m out of here. A tremendous self-serving bias that rules out any and all attempts to reign in lust and misdirected passion is literally leading to the downfall of all that we’ve come to appreciate. The current economic down-turn is just one example of what results when people adopt this type of thinking. Personal safety is literally being thrown out the window in an effort to appease the most dysfunctional members of society.
It’s tragic. Rather than stopping and changing course, a scapegoat will be found.
Society needs relationship and family planning advice from Ms. Lohan and her Hollywood peer group like my three-year-old needs to attend a day-care run by a paedophile. Likewise, having the Entertainment Industry hold an AID’s benefit is like having the Tobacco Industry put on a Cigarette Awareness Week at your local middle school. They're not interested in health. They want a pill that will allow them to continue the very lifestyle that does nothing but promote STD's including AID's.
Having a good life is not an accident. We can’t put on just any old behaviours and expect good results. Good outcomes require good input. If we’ve learned nothing else from history we should know by now that Marriage is the foundation for an emotionally healthy family, and the Family serves as the foundation for an emotionally healthy society.
The Christian marriage paradigm is built on this foundation:
. God is the CREATOR of the marriage relationship;
. Heterosexuality is God's PATTERN for marriage;
. Monogamy is God's BLUEPRINT for marriage;
. God's PLAN for marriage is for physical and spiritual UNITY, and
. Marriage was DESIGNED to be permanent
- Your children’s emotional health is dependent on this paradigm. Social experiments which set this design aside have consistently failed.
- Your community’s stability is dependent on this paradigm. The tragic repercussions of the anti-family experiment are as obvious as global warming or the depletion of the fish stocks or the demise of the world’s rain forests. There is something terribly wrong and if we don’t pay attention to the symptoms disaster looms large.
- Your nation’s strength and the world’s attainment of peace is almost totally dependent on this paradigm. The past has repeatedly proven it. The present is showing what we should have learned from the past, and the future will be nothing short of disaster if we fail to learn from the past in this regard.
I’m convinced that one of the reasons why God brought about the concept of marriage as opposed to taking whoever and whatever we want, is that for humanity to continue, and for our children to grow into stable, emotionally and spiritually healthy individuals, people need to be committed to the well-being of at least one other person. Each of us needs to be totally sold-out to a determined effort to support at least one other person for the duration of our lives. Simply put, the human race will not survive without this type of commitment. This has nothing to do with “being loved.” It has everything to do with our willed, desired, volitional love that is directed toward at least one other individual, again, for the duration of our natural life.
That is how God loves us. He will literally die for you, in order to provide for you a safe and secure home - for eternity no less.
Sadly the way our society is headed, with it’s “I promise to love you as long as I'm getting what I want from you,” it simply will not cut it. Lines are being drawn in the sand. Beliefs are becoming entrenched. Even worse, the deliberate undermining of our society’s supports is being done almost completely out of ignorance. People like those described above don’t even know that a better way to live exists. They have been raised in an atmosphere of survival of the fittest. You meet my needs or I’m out of here. A tremendous self-serving bias that rules out any and all attempts to reign in lust and misdirected passion is literally leading to the downfall of all that we’ve come to appreciate. The current economic down-turn is just one example of what results when people adopt this type of thinking. Personal safety is literally being thrown out the window in an effort to appease the most dysfunctional members of society.
It’s tragic. Rather than stopping and changing course, a scapegoat will be found.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Marriage Goes South
Marriage counsellors often find themselves in the surreal experience of trying to convince husbands and wives that treating each other with kindness and respect is necessary if they want to avoid a divorce. What we often find is that people come to us looking for to continue past ways of relating to their spouses while not having to deal with the yucky feelings. And what they really want us to do is, Change the other person; convinced that "When s/he changes THEN I can start to act differently too."
The fact is, there isn't a person on this planet, neither child nor adult who changes for the better because of criticism, nagging, berating, hounding, scolding, etc. It is only and always unearned love and affection that gives us the freedom to change. The only thing that criticism does is cause anger, resentments and either push back or depression.
What happens to most people is that they’ve slipped into the roles they observed and learned from their parents while growing up. And why do they continue to do the very things that led to their own parent’s divorce or chronic fighting? They repeat those old behaviours because simply hating how your parents did things is never enough. Concrete changes have to be made.
Iʼ'm convinced that the main purpose of marriage, from Godʼ's perspective, is to change us. Good marriages leave no room for selfishness, pride or irritability - all things that are in overabundance in this world. And while change is always a challenge, it is not an onerous task. When God says, "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, pray for those who persecute you, He is not trying to beat us down. In fact, this is a call to liberation, to freedom, to happiness.
You might think that youʼ're shackled by your husband / wifeʼ's nasty behaviours but you are every bit a slave to your own habitual ways of responding to what you donʼ't like about your spouse. God and only God can free you from this.
If your marriage is going south on you and you aren’t in daily communion with God, BEGGING Him to change your hearts and minds regarding your spouse, any counsellor that you’re seeing is just wasting h/her time. Only you can change the state of your marriage. All a counsellor can do is point the way. God will not force His way into your lives. This is especially true if you have been ignoring Him in your behaviours for years and years as you and your spouse mutually destroy what you promised before God to build. For marriages on the brink of failure, I believe the only solution is to make sure that God is front and centre.
When I treat my spouse well in an effort to get her to treat me better, God steps aside. This is because by my own wish, my attempts at "good" behaviours do not and are not concerning or involving Him. My pride and self-centeredness are still driving my life. However, when my desire to treat Wendy better is solely because I want to please God, to obey God, to Love God ("The one who loves Me is the one who obeys Me) that is when He steps in and begins to work miracles in our lives.
If you will only take the risk to do this, I promise you that a whole new world will open up to you. It's world of freedom whereby you are no longer controlled by the actions of your spouse or anyone else. Treat your spouse with love and respect because you want to please God. He never asks us to do anything that won't make our lives better if we obey Him.
The fact is, there isn't a person on this planet, neither child nor adult who changes for the better because of criticism, nagging, berating, hounding, scolding, etc. It is only and always unearned love and affection that gives us the freedom to change. The only thing that criticism does is cause anger, resentments and either push back or depression.
What happens to most people is that they’ve slipped into the roles they observed and learned from their parents while growing up. And why do they continue to do the very things that led to their own parent’s divorce or chronic fighting? They repeat those old behaviours because simply hating how your parents did things is never enough. Concrete changes have to be made.
Iʼ'm convinced that the main purpose of marriage, from Godʼ's perspective, is to change us. Good marriages leave no room for selfishness, pride or irritability - all things that are in overabundance in this world. And while change is always a challenge, it is not an onerous task. When God says, "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, pray for those who persecute you, He is not trying to beat us down. In fact, this is a call to liberation, to freedom, to happiness.
You might think that youʼ're shackled by your husband / wifeʼ's nasty behaviours but you are every bit a slave to your own habitual ways of responding to what you donʼ't like about your spouse. God and only God can free you from this.
If your marriage is going south on you and you aren’t in daily communion with God, BEGGING Him to change your hearts and minds regarding your spouse, any counsellor that you’re seeing is just wasting h/her time. Only you can change the state of your marriage. All a counsellor can do is point the way. God will not force His way into your lives. This is especially true if you have been ignoring Him in your behaviours for years and years as you and your spouse mutually destroy what you promised before God to build. For marriages on the brink of failure, I believe the only solution is to make sure that God is front and centre.
When I treat my spouse well in an effort to get her to treat me better, God steps aside. This is because by my own wish, my attempts at "good" behaviours do not and are not concerning or involving Him. My pride and self-centeredness are still driving my life. However, when my desire to treat Wendy better is solely because I want to please God, to obey God, to Love God ("The one who loves Me is the one who obeys Me) that is when He steps in and begins to work miracles in our lives.
If you will only take the risk to do this, I promise you that a whole new world will open up to you. It's world of freedom whereby you are no longer controlled by the actions of your spouse or anyone else. Treat your spouse with love and respect because you want to please God. He never asks us to do anything that won't make our lives better if we obey Him.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Thoughts on Christian Marriage
Colossians 3:2 - “Set your minds on the things above, not on things on earth.”
Just some thoughts on something that all of us need to be reminded about over and over and over in our Christian walk in marriage. The things that happen to us, the things that aggravate us, the events that take place in our relationships are nothing more than that; they are events. The event (for example one’s partner’s irresponsible behaviour or another partner’s hurtful comments) are not the most important thing to pay attention to. They feel like it, but they aren’t.
I’m not trying to downplay the significance of these or other events. I’m not saying that when one person does something disappointing or when the other person says something hurtful that it doesn’t matter. In fact, I’m saying that these events have more significance than they appear to have on the surface. I’m saying that the changes that these two “events” are meant to bring about in us are what’s important. Pretty confusing? Let me say it this way.
As Christians, we have a promise from God. I can tell you from 26 years of experience as a Christian and after 34 years of marriage that this is a promise that is 100% accurate. Here it is. “In all things [events], God will bring about something good in those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose”(Romans 8:28). (Inclusion of “events” mine.)
That promise was made by God, to all of His followers. The behaviours or events that satan is using to try to destroy you, the things that satan is using to try to tear apart your marriage, the things that satan is using to try to create a broken and chaotic home for your children, God will use to bring about good, if you love Him.
But what is the good that God brings out of these things or these events? The answer is found in verse 29. “For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son . . .”
If, instead of focussing on how we’ve been wronged by our spouse, we ask God to help us focus on, “What are You trying to teach me in this situation, Lord?” then God will be able to teach us and to change us. Why is that a good thing? It’s good for at least two reasons:
1) The more that I’m like Jesus, the less that I’ll be doing or saying things that hurt my spouse.
2) The more that I’m like Jesus, the less that I’ll retaliate in hurtful ways when I’m treated badly or with disrespect by my spouse.
This is good news for any Christian marriage. Whenever I do something that is not being as kind to Wendy as I could or should, it’s a reminder to me that I need to draw closer to Jesus. And when I listen to that reminder (and that’s hard to do in the heat of the moment) I begin to treat Wendy better. That’s because Jesus’ Spirit in me causes me to do that. On my own, I’m not that nice. When I let Jesus work through me, I become nicer.
The Bible tells us that the Fruit of the Spirit, or the consequences of allowing God’s Spirit to work in us are: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control (Galatians 5:22). I want to have a character like that! I need to have a character like that for our marriage to be all that I want it to be. Only God can bring that about in me.
But why this lengthy process? I mean, God could heal us immediately if He wanted to. The reason that God takes us along a difficult path, the reason that God brings / allows difficult events and people to come into our lives is because that is how we become strong in our faith. These difficulties force us to continually depend on Him. Without increasing faith in God, we continually repeat old destructive behaviours. Only in Him do we find true life.
Just some thoughts on something that all of us need to be reminded about over and over and over in our Christian walk in marriage. The things that happen to us, the things that aggravate us, the events that take place in our relationships are nothing more than that; they are events. The event (for example one’s partner’s irresponsible behaviour or another partner’s hurtful comments) are not the most important thing to pay attention to. They feel like it, but they aren’t.
I’m not trying to downplay the significance of these or other events. I’m not saying that when one person does something disappointing or when the other person says something hurtful that it doesn’t matter. In fact, I’m saying that these events have more significance than they appear to have on the surface. I’m saying that the changes that these two “events” are meant to bring about in us are what’s important. Pretty confusing? Let me say it this way.
As Christians, we have a promise from God. I can tell you from 26 years of experience as a Christian and after 34 years of marriage that this is a promise that is 100% accurate. Here it is. “In all things [events], God will bring about something good in those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose”(Romans 8:28). (Inclusion of “events” mine.)
That promise was made by God, to all of His followers. The behaviours or events that satan is using to try to destroy you, the things that satan is using to try to tear apart your marriage, the things that satan is using to try to create a broken and chaotic home for your children, God will use to bring about good, if you love Him.
But what is the good that God brings out of these things or these events? The answer is found in verse 29. “For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son . . .”
If, instead of focussing on how we’ve been wronged by our spouse, we ask God to help us focus on, “What are You trying to teach me in this situation, Lord?” then God will be able to teach us and to change us. Why is that a good thing? It’s good for at least two reasons:
1) The more that I’m like Jesus, the less that I’ll be doing or saying things that hurt my spouse.
2) The more that I’m like Jesus, the less that I’ll retaliate in hurtful ways when I’m treated badly or with disrespect by my spouse.
This is good news for any Christian marriage. Whenever I do something that is not being as kind to Wendy as I could or should, it’s a reminder to me that I need to draw closer to Jesus. And when I listen to that reminder (and that’s hard to do in the heat of the moment) I begin to treat Wendy better. That’s because Jesus’ Spirit in me causes me to do that. On my own, I’m not that nice. When I let Jesus work through me, I become nicer.
The Bible tells us that the Fruit of the Spirit, or the consequences of allowing God’s Spirit to work in us are: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control (Galatians 5:22). I want to have a character like that! I need to have a character like that for our marriage to be all that I want it to be. Only God can bring that about in me.
But why this lengthy process? I mean, God could heal us immediately if He wanted to. The reason that God takes us along a difficult path, the reason that God brings / allows difficult events and people to come into our lives is because that is how we become strong in our faith. These difficulties force us to continually depend on Him. Without increasing faith in God, we continually repeat old destructive behaviours. Only in Him do we find true life.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Growing Together
I’ve just finished a few weeks of marriage counselling with a couple. He was born into a religious home and has since pulled back from that. She was born into a secular home and just before I met them, she had become a Christian. There will no doubt be a fair bit of pushing and pulling as they try to balance out these disparate paths. What has that got to do with anything?
It’s just that it highlights for me how blessed I am, how fortunate I am that Wendy and I have grown in our spiritual walk more or less at the same pace. More accurately, I have pretty much been able to keep up with my incredibly wonderful, intelligent, strong and amazing wife.
Wendy is a quiet, thinking, praying, listening, contemplative individual. She was the first one in our relationship to become a Christian. She tells me that she once wrote in her journal that she thought that I’d never become a follower of Jesus. It took me about two years of watching this amazing transformation in Wendy before I said, “I want that too.” Luckily for me, Jesus is in the business of changing lives.
I on the other hand, am the reading, talking, writing, studying, impulsive type. In every single case that I can remember, whenever I’ve come to Wendy with my “discovery / insight / revelation” moments, about how God works in people’s lives, it has only been to find that Wendy has known for months, what I’d just “discovered.” After I’ve crudely exclaimed the wonders of a particular thought, she feeds it back to me in words refined from hours and hours of personal thought.
Regardless, Wendy is a patient woman who takes my hand as we travel this awesome rode that Jesus is laying out before us. I love my wife. I love my life.
As the proverb says, “If you want to go quickly, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” I am so grateful that God has allowed me to travel this road of life with this terrific woman.
It’s just that it highlights for me how blessed I am, how fortunate I am that Wendy and I have grown in our spiritual walk more or less at the same pace. More accurately, I have pretty much been able to keep up with my incredibly wonderful, intelligent, strong and amazing wife.
Wendy is a quiet, thinking, praying, listening, contemplative individual. She was the first one in our relationship to become a Christian. She tells me that she once wrote in her journal that she thought that I’d never become a follower of Jesus. It took me about two years of watching this amazing transformation in Wendy before I said, “I want that too.” Luckily for me, Jesus is in the business of changing lives.
I on the other hand, am the reading, talking, writing, studying, impulsive type. In every single case that I can remember, whenever I’ve come to Wendy with my “discovery / insight / revelation” moments, about how God works in people’s lives, it has only been to find that Wendy has known for months, what I’d just “discovered.” After I’ve crudely exclaimed the wonders of a particular thought, she feeds it back to me in words refined from hours and hours of personal thought.
Regardless, Wendy is a patient woman who takes my hand as we travel this awesome rode that Jesus is laying out before us. I love my wife. I love my life.
As the proverb says, “If you want to go quickly, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” I am so grateful that God has allowed me to travel this road of life with this terrific woman.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Will I Ever Find A Partner Who's Good For Me? (Conclusion)
The fact is, healthy people run from unhealthy people, and unhealthy people find healthy people boring. The two are never attracted to each other. If you are newly out of a relationship and you haven’t had a HUGE awakening to the growth that needs to take place in you and if you have not done anything to bring about that growth, then you are not nearly ready for anything but more of the same.
This of course raises the question, "How do I change my character?" For those of you who aren’t Christians, I have wonderful news. Jesus Christ loves you. He died for you and if you let Him He will transform your life. For those of you who claim to be Christians, and the negative thoughts and behaviours in this post are something that you struggle with, then it’s time to get honest with yourself about the value of trying to live a lifestyle that Jesus never sanctioned. Either join the Baha’i or get serious about the One whose name you represent. Remember that Jesus said, "The one who loves Me is the one who obeys Me." For both groups I would ask you to remember this line. When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop digging.
The next thing to do is admit that you are wrong. There is no point in trying the same thing harder or longer if it isn’t working. A fact of life is, Jesus can do nothing in us as long as there is any hint of self-sufficiency. We are strangers on this earth. We don’t know the way. Virtually every decision that we make, that isn’t made with God / Bible as our road map, will take us down the wrong road. This is especially the case in the area of relationships. Look back over your life and you will see how true this is.
The next thing to remember is Hebrews 4:16 - "So now we can boldly and with confidence come to the throne of grace and receive mercy and find grace in our time of need." Jesus isn’t like your human parents. If you will simply humble yourself and tell Jesus that you are sorry for rebelling against Him, He will welcome you home with open arms. He loves you so much that he was willing to die for you. That’s the kind of love you can trust. 1st John 1:9 tells us that "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Your unrighteousness is what has gotten you into all this trouble. Let Jesus get rid of it for you and you will be free to make decisions that will benefit, instead of destroying you and those around you.
So, will you find a healthy partner? It’s totally up to you. If you are serious about not repeating past mistakes, don’t look for the right person. Let Jesus change you and when you become the right kind of person, the right kind of person for you will appear.
This of course raises the question, "How do I change my character?" For those of you who aren’t Christians, I have wonderful news. Jesus Christ loves you. He died for you and if you let Him He will transform your life. For those of you who claim to be Christians, and the negative thoughts and behaviours in this post are something that you struggle with, then it’s time to get honest with yourself about the value of trying to live a lifestyle that Jesus never sanctioned. Either join the Baha’i or get serious about the One whose name you represent. Remember that Jesus said, "The one who loves Me is the one who obeys Me." For both groups I would ask you to remember this line. When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop digging.
The next thing to do is admit that you are wrong. There is no point in trying the same thing harder or longer if it isn’t working. A fact of life is, Jesus can do nothing in us as long as there is any hint of self-sufficiency. We are strangers on this earth. We don’t know the way. Virtually every decision that we make, that isn’t made with God / Bible as our road map, will take us down the wrong road. This is especially the case in the area of relationships. Look back over your life and you will see how true this is.
The next thing to remember is Hebrews 4:16 - "So now we can boldly and with confidence come to the throne of grace and receive mercy and find grace in our time of need." Jesus isn’t like your human parents. If you will simply humble yourself and tell Jesus that you are sorry for rebelling against Him, He will welcome you home with open arms. He loves you so much that he was willing to die for you. That’s the kind of love you can trust. 1st John 1:9 tells us that "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Your unrighteousness is what has gotten you into all this trouble. Let Jesus get rid of it for you and you will be free to make decisions that will benefit, instead of destroying you and those around you.
So, will you find a healthy partner? It’s totally up to you. If you are serious about not repeating past mistakes, don’t look for the right person. Let Jesus change you and when you become the right kind of person, the right kind of person for you will appear.
Will I Ever Find A Partner Who's Good For Me? (Part 2)
Remember - Wanting a healthy relationship is not the same as being ready to have a healthy relationship. That’s why the statement "I think he/she will be good for me" needs to be taken with a grain of salt. That person will be no better for you than you are for that person.
You might say at this point, but my boyfriend / girlfriend / husband / wife is worse than I am. And I will say, if that’s the case it is only because you have grown in maturity since you two met. When you met, you two were roughly the same.
And as a point of interest, let me ask you three simple questions.
(1) What do you look at when judging whether a group photograph, that you’re a part of, is good or not?
(2) Do you see yourself as being a better driver than most people you know? Or do you see yourself as being a worse driver than most people you know?
(3) Do you see yourself as being emotionally healthier and more mature than your partner or former partners? Or are you less healthy and less mature than your partner or former partners?
It is the very rare person for whom one’s perceived self-importance doesn’t show up in these questions. That is how out of touch we are with the reality of our corrupt nature. So what has this got to do with relationships? Well, it’s been my experience that most people who get a divorce are so blind to their own personality that they actually think that they’ll be good for someone else. The vast majority of divorced people think the marriage ended, not because they were miserable to live with, but that it’s the other person’s fault that the marriage ended. It’s human nature to not recognise our own corruption. The reason you don’t feel corrupt is the same reason a fish doesn’t feel wet. Because it is immersed. You won’t recognise your corruption until you find a way to step out of it and view it from a distance. You can’t know that you need to be rescued until you first recognise that you’re lost.
Getting back to relationships, let me give you an example of what I mean by "We are roughly the same as those we attract." I hear from clients on a fairly regular basis, "I’m not at all like my spouse. He/she had an affair and I would never do that." I can tell you that in virtually every case, with a little processing, it soon comes out that if given the opportunity to have some ‘payback sex’ soon after finding out about the affair, the person in my office would have jumped at the chance. You might counter with, "that’s different. That person had already been hurt." And I will say to you, "It is no different at all!"
What we are measuring here is the quality of character, and a healthy character is made of nothing less than emotional and spiritual health.
(1) An emotionally and spiritually healthy character is able to say "no" to emotionally damaging thoughts and behaviours no matter how badly that person wants what s/he wants.
(2) An emotionally and spiritually healthy character does not go looking for emotionally damaging thoughts and behaviours regardless of what’s happened to that person.
Let me continue with the example of sex. Lets assume that someone other than your spouse wants to have sex with you. If you are emotionally and spiritually healthy you would be asking yourself, "Why would I want to be with someone who is so cruel and so selfish that he/she would do that to my spouse?" On the other hand, if you as a married or c/l person are considering having sex with someone else (especially if that person is also married), then the question I would ask is, "Why would that person want to be with someone like you, who is so cruel that you would do that to either of your spouses?" What is it about you that is attracting such an unhealthy person to you?
If the answer for either of you is, "We find danger, cheating, and snubbing God and His desires for us appealing and exciting," or if you say that you don’t care about how your spouses feel, then I would also say that emotionally and spiritually you are both in a truly pitiful state. There is nothing in either of you from which you can build a healthy relationship. Don’t get me wrong. You may be able to have a relationship, but it will be no better than average, if that. Quality marriages don’t just happen by luck. It takes quality people to have a quality marriage. You don’t find the right person to have a good marriage. To have a good marriage each of you has to be the right person.
There are very few people who don’t know of someone, usually a woman, of whom it’s said, "if she could only find someone who would treat her right." And this is often said as she is dragging her children through the third or fourth lousy relationship with the next creep who is ready to move in with her.
I repeat, it is impossible for someone who is not good, to treat you good on a consistent long-term basis. That means that if you are not good, then even you do not know how to be good to yourself. Your character is rotting from the inside out and the stench of spiritual death hovers about you. That’s why you continue to choose self-harming behaviours, and that’s why you continue to reject healthy, life-nurturing behaviours, and beliefs; because you are unable to recognise them as such.
Consider the example of Actor / Comedian Groucho Marx. Mr. Marx recalls asking a woman, "Would you have sex with me for One Million dollars?"
She responded with, "Of Course!"
He then asked, "Would you have sex with me for One Dollar?"
To which she replied, "What kind of a person do you think I am?"
And his reply was, "We’ve already established what kind of a person you are. Now we’re just negotiating."
Who you are, counts!
Character and beliefs count!
Integrity counts!
What usually happens when two unhealthy people are attracted to each other, is that their sickness causes them to misinterpret the qualities that they think they see in the other person. As time wears on, their mistake becomes painfully obvious. What was once seen as fun-loving is now seen as irresponsible. Stable and structured becomes rigid and boring. Concerned becomes smothering. Caring becomes controlling. Outgoing becomes flirtatious. Carefree becomes undependable. What once attracted you to this person, now drives you away. But that isn’t his/her fault! When you grow tired of someone, or when that person hurts you, don’t blame that person for being the kind of person that you chose to be with. When you two met, it was your sickness that projected good qualities that were never there.
Let me give you an example that is extreme in number but typical in nature.
"I will never marry again." This was said by Barbara Hutton (who was at the time heiress to the multi million-dollar Woolworth fortune) after divorcing her second husband.
"I will never marry again. You can’t go on being a fool forever." This was said by Barbara Hutton after divorcing her third husband.
"This is positively my final marriage." This was said by Barbara Hutton after marrying her sixth husband.
"He is the composite of all my previous husbands’ good qualities, without any of their bad qualities. I have never been so happy in my life." This was said by Barbara Hutton after marrying her seventh husband. Two years later Barbara Hutton divorced her seventh husband.
End of Part 2
You might say at this point, but my boyfriend / girlfriend / husband / wife is worse than I am. And I will say, if that’s the case it is only because you have grown in maturity since you two met. When you met, you two were roughly the same.
And as a point of interest, let me ask you three simple questions.
(1) What do you look at when judging whether a group photograph, that you’re a part of, is good or not?
(2) Do you see yourself as being a better driver than most people you know? Or do you see yourself as being a worse driver than most people you know?
(3) Do you see yourself as being emotionally healthier and more mature than your partner or former partners? Or are you less healthy and less mature than your partner or former partners?
It is the very rare person for whom one’s perceived self-importance doesn’t show up in these questions. That is how out of touch we are with the reality of our corrupt nature. So what has this got to do with relationships? Well, it’s been my experience that most people who get a divorce are so blind to their own personality that they actually think that they’ll be good for someone else. The vast majority of divorced people think the marriage ended, not because they were miserable to live with, but that it’s the other person’s fault that the marriage ended. It’s human nature to not recognise our own corruption. The reason you don’t feel corrupt is the same reason a fish doesn’t feel wet. Because it is immersed. You won’t recognise your corruption until you find a way to step out of it and view it from a distance. You can’t know that you need to be rescued until you first recognise that you’re lost.
Getting back to relationships, let me give you an example of what I mean by "We are roughly the same as those we attract." I hear from clients on a fairly regular basis, "I’m not at all like my spouse. He/she had an affair and I would never do that." I can tell you that in virtually every case, with a little processing, it soon comes out that if given the opportunity to have some ‘payback sex’ soon after finding out about the affair, the person in my office would have jumped at the chance. You might counter with, "that’s different. That person had already been hurt." And I will say to you, "It is no different at all!"
What we are measuring here is the quality of character, and a healthy character is made of nothing less than emotional and spiritual health.
(1) An emotionally and spiritually healthy character is able to say "no" to emotionally damaging thoughts and behaviours no matter how badly that person wants what s/he wants.
(2) An emotionally and spiritually healthy character does not go looking for emotionally damaging thoughts and behaviours regardless of what’s happened to that person.
Let me continue with the example of sex. Lets assume that someone other than your spouse wants to have sex with you. If you are emotionally and spiritually healthy you would be asking yourself, "Why would I want to be with someone who is so cruel and so selfish that he/she would do that to my spouse?" On the other hand, if you as a married or c/l person are considering having sex with someone else (especially if that person is also married), then the question I would ask is, "Why would that person want to be with someone like you, who is so cruel that you would do that to either of your spouses?" What is it about you that is attracting such an unhealthy person to you?
If the answer for either of you is, "We find danger, cheating, and snubbing God and His desires for us appealing and exciting," or if you say that you don’t care about how your spouses feel, then I would also say that emotionally and spiritually you are both in a truly pitiful state. There is nothing in either of you from which you can build a healthy relationship. Don’t get me wrong. You may be able to have a relationship, but it will be no better than average, if that. Quality marriages don’t just happen by luck. It takes quality people to have a quality marriage. You don’t find the right person to have a good marriage. To have a good marriage each of you has to be the right person.
There are very few people who don’t know of someone, usually a woman, of whom it’s said, "if she could only find someone who would treat her right." And this is often said as she is dragging her children through the third or fourth lousy relationship with the next creep who is ready to move in with her.
I repeat, it is impossible for someone who is not good, to treat you good on a consistent long-term basis. That means that if you are not good, then even you do not know how to be good to yourself. Your character is rotting from the inside out and the stench of spiritual death hovers about you. That’s why you continue to choose self-harming behaviours, and that’s why you continue to reject healthy, life-nurturing behaviours, and beliefs; because you are unable to recognise them as such.
Consider the example of Actor / Comedian Groucho Marx. Mr. Marx recalls asking a woman, "Would you have sex with me for One Million dollars?"
She responded with, "Of Course!"
He then asked, "Would you have sex with me for One Dollar?"
To which she replied, "What kind of a person do you think I am?"
And his reply was, "We’ve already established what kind of a person you are. Now we’re just negotiating."
Who you are, counts!
Character and beliefs count!
Integrity counts!
What usually happens when two unhealthy people are attracted to each other, is that their sickness causes them to misinterpret the qualities that they think they see in the other person. As time wears on, their mistake becomes painfully obvious. What was once seen as fun-loving is now seen as irresponsible. Stable and structured becomes rigid and boring. Concerned becomes smothering. Caring becomes controlling. Outgoing becomes flirtatious. Carefree becomes undependable. What once attracted you to this person, now drives you away. But that isn’t his/her fault! When you grow tired of someone, or when that person hurts you, don’t blame that person for being the kind of person that you chose to be with. When you two met, it was your sickness that projected good qualities that were never there.
Let me give you an example that is extreme in number but typical in nature.
"I will never marry again." This was said by Barbara Hutton (who was at the time heiress to the multi million-dollar Woolworth fortune) after divorcing her second husband.
"I will never marry again. You can’t go on being a fool forever." This was said by Barbara Hutton after divorcing her third husband.
"This is positively my final marriage." This was said by Barbara Hutton after marrying her sixth husband.
"He is the composite of all my previous husbands’ good qualities, without any of their bad qualities. I have never been so happy in my life." This was said by Barbara Hutton after marrying her seventh husband. Two years later Barbara Hutton divorced her seventh husband.
End of Part 2
Will I Ever Find A Partner Who's Good For Me? (Part 1)
That depends on you. And here’s why.
. Emotional Sickness is attracted to Emotional Sickness.
. Emotional Health is attracted to Emotional Health.
. You will not ever attract a partner who is markedly healthier than you are.
. If you want to attract an emotionally and spiritually healthy partner, then you must become an emotionally and spiritually healthy person yourself.
You might be one of those people who got out of an unhealthy marriage, and then you said, "Never again!" But it did happen again. And maybe it happened again after that. So you wonder, "How could that have happened when I was so determined to never let another person into my life who didn’t respect me? And how could that have happened, when I fully intended to find someone healthy?" The reason it happens again and again is because it doesn’t matter what you intend to happen. If your character hasn’t changed significantly, and if your values and morals haven’t changed a great deal, then nothing else will ever change and you will be with an unhealthy person again. It can’t be any other way.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you have had, or that you will have the same types of problems as a former or future partner. What it means is that you are healthy or sick, to the same degree that someone who is attracted to you is healthy or sick. For example, lets say that a husband ignores his wife and is attracted to and flirts with teenage girls. I think we’d all agree that this person is emotionally unwell. However, I suggest to you, that the wife, who says nothing, rationalises away his behaviours and does nothing to protect her daughters, and their friends who have had to push off this man’s advances is just as unwell as her husband. It’s just that she is sick in a different way.
Or let’s take someone who is living with an alcoholic. People in the field of addictions have all heard that "the family gets sick along with the alcoholic." Well, the children will become sick, but the spouse of the alcoholic was sick to begin with. That is why s/he chose someone like that, usually with the goal of loving (read controlling) the alcoholic better.
I wish this could be a cheery little post that leaves you feeling all warm inside and confident about the future. But the reality of the situation is this. When you have rebelled due to sin in your life, and when you have ignored Jesus because it looked like a life without Him would be more fun, it is in your relationships that this damage, that this flaw, will show up most clearly. And the consequences can last a lifetime.
In order to keep your children from suffering any more than they already have, it’s time that you listen to Jesus’ commands about relationships, marriage and divorce, and don’t go down this road again.
The reason that I bring up divorce is that divorce and broken common-law relationships are a sign that something is terribly wrong in a person’s life. It’s a sign that there is something emotionally and spiritually wrong, certainly in one and probably in both people in the marriage. Divorce is a sign that either you have trouble judging character in others, and/or that your character isn’t suited to marriage. When God says don’t remarry after divorce, it’s because He is trying to protect you from more pain by asking you to not rely on the false god of relationships for your value, worth, security and belonging. Unfortunately, we think we know more than our Creator, and so we repeatedly try to prove that God is wrong.
By now you might be wondering what I’m talking about when I use the terms emotionally damaged, or emotional health. After all, you don’t feel damaged and you might even feel healthy. In fact some of your friends are much worse off than you are. Right? Despite how healthy you believe you are, based on the Bible and upon my observations from counselling, I view Emotional Health this way:
. You are able to have stability in relationships.
. You have honesty and integrity, ie. you don’t lie; not just ‘big’ lies, but any lie.
. You do not have to do what you want to do. In other words, you are able to say "no" to something wrong or harmful, no matter how much you want it. The opposite is just as true. Emotional health is when you’re able to make yourself do a good job at something that you don’t want to do.
. You are able to distinguish wrong, harmful, life-destroying behaviours from good, healthy, life-enhancing behaviours. For example, do you actually know whether living together before marriage is damaging or constructive for a future marriage? How about stealing a little bit from a big company? Is that always harmful or is it sometimes OK? Do you know the answer?
. Your inside matches your outside. Who you are in private is who you are in public.
. You abide by a Moral Code not of your own creation, ie. right and wrong are not relative to the situation.
. You don’t need to be in a relationship to feel whole and OK about yourself.
. You are responsible and mature in thought, word and deed.
A person with these qualities will not attract, nor will he/she be attracted to an emotionally unhealthy person. An emotionally, spiritually and psychologically unhealthy person will find the kind of person just described above to be boring and unattractive. Unhealthy people view kindness and goodness as being weak. For example, an unhealthy person will try to provoke an angry response or a rejecting response in her/his marriage partner. And when the negative response isn’t forthcoming, the unhealthy person will view the other as a wimp.
And before you say anything about the above list, YES these kinds of people do exist. If you don’t know any, then you need to change your circle of friends. The reason that these points are evidence of emotional health is because I never see these kinds of people in counselling for relationship issues. There is no need for them to come for help because they have peace in their lives; they know the Giver of peace on a personal level and they obey Him out of love and appreciation for what He has done in their lives.
When looking for a future partner, instead of looking for the quality characteristics listed above, an unhealthy person might say something like, "Can she dance?" "Is s/he cute?" "Does he like to party?" "What kind of a car does he have?" "Does she make a lot of money?" "Is he popular with others?" "He’s kind of wild and dangerous, I like that." They won’t care one bit if this is a person of integrity. Instead their lives display a philosophy of "show me some attention and I’m yours."
Developing a character of integrity is extremely important IF you want a quality relationship. On the other hand, developing a character of integrity is a side-benefit of receiving a healed, forgiven, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. History is filled with examples of the worst human beings having their character being completely turned around after giving their lives to Jesus.
Regardless of all that, the facts of relationships are these: -
. As far as you are from emotional health, so too will someone be who you are attracted to.
. As far as you are from emotional health, so too will someone be who is attracted to you.
. As far as you are from spiritual health, so too that person.
. As far as you are from being ready for a healthy relationship, so too that person.
End of Part 1
. Emotional Sickness is attracted to Emotional Sickness.
. Emotional Health is attracted to Emotional Health.
. You will not ever attract a partner who is markedly healthier than you are.
. If you want to attract an emotionally and spiritually healthy partner, then you must become an emotionally and spiritually healthy person yourself.
You might be one of those people who got out of an unhealthy marriage, and then you said, "Never again!" But it did happen again. And maybe it happened again after that. So you wonder, "How could that have happened when I was so determined to never let another person into my life who didn’t respect me? And how could that have happened, when I fully intended to find someone healthy?" The reason it happens again and again is because it doesn’t matter what you intend to happen. If your character hasn’t changed significantly, and if your values and morals haven’t changed a great deal, then nothing else will ever change and you will be with an unhealthy person again. It can’t be any other way.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you have had, or that you will have the same types of problems as a former or future partner. What it means is that you are healthy or sick, to the same degree that someone who is attracted to you is healthy or sick. For example, lets say that a husband ignores his wife and is attracted to and flirts with teenage girls. I think we’d all agree that this person is emotionally unwell. However, I suggest to you, that the wife, who says nothing, rationalises away his behaviours and does nothing to protect her daughters, and their friends who have had to push off this man’s advances is just as unwell as her husband. It’s just that she is sick in a different way.
Or let’s take someone who is living with an alcoholic. People in the field of addictions have all heard that "the family gets sick along with the alcoholic." Well, the children will become sick, but the spouse of the alcoholic was sick to begin with. That is why s/he chose someone like that, usually with the goal of loving (read controlling) the alcoholic better.
I wish this could be a cheery little post that leaves you feeling all warm inside and confident about the future. But the reality of the situation is this. When you have rebelled due to sin in your life, and when you have ignored Jesus because it looked like a life without Him would be more fun, it is in your relationships that this damage, that this flaw, will show up most clearly. And the consequences can last a lifetime.
In order to keep your children from suffering any more than they already have, it’s time that you listen to Jesus’ commands about relationships, marriage and divorce, and don’t go down this road again.
The reason that I bring up divorce is that divorce and broken common-law relationships are a sign that something is terribly wrong in a person’s life. It’s a sign that there is something emotionally and spiritually wrong, certainly in one and probably in both people in the marriage. Divorce is a sign that either you have trouble judging character in others, and/or that your character isn’t suited to marriage. When God says don’t remarry after divorce, it’s because He is trying to protect you from more pain by asking you to not rely on the false god of relationships for your value, worth, security and belonging. Unfortunately, we think we know more than our Creator, and so we repeatedly try to prove that God is wrong.
By now you might be wondering what I’m talking about when I use the terms emotionally damaged, or emotional health. After all, you don’t feel damaged and you might even feel healthy. In fact some of your friends are much worse off than you are. Right? Despite how healthy you believe you are, based on the Bible and upon my observations from counselling, I view Emotional Health this way:
. You are able to have stability in relationships.
. You have honesty and integrity, ie. you don’t lie; not just ‘big’ lies, but any lie.
. You do not have to do what you want to do. In other words, you are able to say "no" to something wrong or harmful, no matter how much you want it. The opposite is just as true. Emotional health is when you’re able to make yourself do a good job at something that you don’t want to do.
. You are able to distinguish wrong, harmful, life-destroying behaviours from good, healthy, life-enhancing behaviours. For example, do you actually know whether living together before marriage is damaging or constructive for a future marriage? How about stealing a little bit from a big company? Is that always harmful or is it sometimes OK? Do you know the answer?
. Your inside matches your outside. Who you are in private is who you are in public.
. You abide by a Moral Code not of your own creation, ie. right and wrong are not relative to the situation.
. You don’t need to be in a relationship to feel whole and OK about yourself.
. You are responsible and mature in thought, word and deed.
A person with these qualities will not attract, nor will he/she be attracted to an emotionally unhealthy person. An emotionally, spiritually and psychologically unhealthy person will find the kind of person just described above to be boring and unattractive. Unhealthy people view kindness and goodness as being weak. For example, an unhealthy person will try to provoke an angry response or a rejecting response in her/his marriage partner. And when the negative response isn’t forthcoming, the unhealthy person will view the other as a wimp.
And before you say anything about the above list, YES these kinds of people do exist. If you don’t know any, then you need to change your circle of friends. The reason that these points are evidence of emotional health is because I never see these kinds of people in counselling for relationship issues. There is no need for them to come for help because they have peace in their lives; they know the Giver of peace on a personal level and they obey Him out of love and appreciation for what He has done in their lives.
When looking for a future partner, instead of looking for the quality characteristics listed above, an unhealthy person might say something like, "Can she dance?" "Is s/he cute?" "Does he like to party?" "What kind of a car does he have?" "Does she make a lot of money?" "Is he popular with others?" "He’s kind of wild and dangerous, I like that." They won’t care one bit if this is a person of integrity. Instead their lives display a philosophy of "show me some attention and I’m yours."
Developing a character of integrity is extremely important IF you want a quality relationship. On the other hand, developing a character of integrity is a side-benefit of receiving a healed, forgiven, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. History is filled with examples of the worst human beings having their character being completely turned around after giving their lives to Jesus.
Regardless of all that, the facts of relationships are these: -
. As far as you are from emotional health, so too will someone be who you are attracted to.
. As far as you are from emotional health, so too will someone be who is attracted to you.
. As far as you are from spiritual health, so too that person.
. As far as you are from being ready for a healthy relationship, so too that person.
End of Part 1
Monday, December 18, 2006
Jenna Jameson announces much anticipate followup to "How To Make Love Like A Porn Star" (satire)
Jenna Jameson announced today that she had completed the "natural sequel" to her runaway best seller "How To Make Love Like a Porn Star." In a press conference held this morning in L.A., Jameson stated that "How To Make Love Last Like a Porn Star" will be ready for January 15th release. With her latest boyfriend by her side Jameson cooed that this book would reveal the secrets of having a "really short long-term relationship." Whether you simply aren’t marriage material, or a really poor judge of character or just a whore who wants to make a lot of money, Jameson claimed these secrets can be applied by nearly everyone. "In fact I can’t even claim these tactics as my mine and mine alone. They’ve been taught to fans by almost everyone in the entertainment industry for decades. I’ve just compiled them in an easy to learn format." Jamison said that if people didn’t think she had the brains to write such a book they should just look to friends like, Britney, Jude, Kate, Brad and "a whole lot of other Jennifers who have been imitating my example for years. These people’s philosophy of life is proof positive that you can destroy relationships and promote oneself at the same time." When asked by one reporter, how people could know if they were in love, J.J. as she likes to be called replied, "Like, that’s easy. If the person that you want to fuck is cute, and rich and desired by others then, like, you’re in love." To make sure that it's true love and not just infatuation Jenna advised people to look for telltale signs of love like, possessive controlling behaviours, or the sometimes hard to recognise greed / need / lust combination. She cautioned that true love is jealous and obsessive and absent of the pseudo freedom promoted by amateurs. "Of course love is sex but most of all true love is based on impulse and defies all rational self-control. Really all you need to find love, especially in my business, is to be emotionally stunted, sexually disoriented, morally bankrupt, relationally retarded and spiritually deluded."
One Canadian reporter stated that he and his wife of 34 years didn’t agree with her beliefs nor with her lifestyle. He said he enjoyed something called the "1st Corinthians 13 Love." According to this reporter, he and his wife have the kind of marriage whereby they understand love as being patient and kind. He said that they had a love that does not envy or boast, that it isn’t proud or rude or self-seeking or easily angered. He said that he and his wife’s love keeps no record of wrongs and doesn’t delight in evil. "It always rejoices in the truth," he continued, "always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres." When he finished by saying that theirs was the kind of love that never fails, Jameson responded with, "Huh?"
One Canadian reporter stated that he and his wife of 34 years didn’t agree with her beliefs nor with her lifestyle. He said he enjoyed something called the "1st Corinthians 13 Love." According to this reporter, he and his wife have the kind of marriage whereby they understand love as being patient and kind. He said that they had a love that does not envy or boast, that it isn’t proud or rude or self-seeking or easily angered. He said that he and his wife’s love keeps no record of wrongs and doesn’t delight in evil. "It always rejoices in the truth," he continued, "always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres." When he finished by saying that theirs was the kind of love that never fails, Jameson responded with, "Huh?"
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Husband
I have heard from so many clients who say something like, ‘I wish my husband would become the spiritual leader in our home.’ Not only is it a sad commentary on we Christian men, it’s an inaccurate commentary. It’s inaccurate because, whether for better or worse, we as Christian husbands are the spiritual leaders. It is not something we choose to do or not to do. We might be good leaders or bad leaders, but spiritual leadership is our God-given role and there is no escaping it.
In our home at this present time, there is myself and Wendy and five kids under six years old. It can be little chaotic. Let’s say I wake up in the morning and before getting out of bed I silently pray to God, thanking Him for the day etc. And then I ask Him to bring peace into our home that day. I ask Him to give us His love for one another. I ask Him to help us be kind and merciful and compassionate toward one another. And let’s say that while I’m praying, Wendy gets up and starts to get the kids ready for the day.
Remember, I’ve asked for God’s help in having a good family. Because God loves peace and kindness and mercy, this is a prayer that I know would be in God’s will for our lives. But what if, while Wendy is working with all these little ones, I stay in bed. Instead of getting up and pulling my share of the load I do nothing to help get the kids fed and clean up after. Instead, I roll over and tune out all the noise. Guess what? If God answers my prayer with a yes, it will only be out of sheer grace for Wendy and mercy for
me. And I know from experience (he says with guilt) that if I'm not there, there is more often war than peace.
The fact is, the man very often sets the tone for the day for the whole family. To want to be a Christian husband and father is a huge responsibility. To the extent that the man fails to fulfill his role in the Christian home, to that extent will his prayers fall on silence at the other end. This is not to say that the wife has no effect on how a family turns out. God has worked through millions and millions of women in the absence of responsible men. Generally though, as the husband goes in his spiritual walk to a large extent so goes the family.
In our home at this present time, there is myself and Wendy and five kids under six years old. It can be little chaotic. Let’s say I wake up in the morning and before getting out of bed I silently pray to God, thanking Him for the day etc. And then I ask Him to bring peace into our home that day. I ask Him to give us His love for one another. I ask Him to help us be kind and merciful and compassionate toward one another. And let’s say that while I’m praying, Wendy gets up and starts to get the kids ready for the day.
Remember, I’ve asked for God’s help in having a good family. Because God loves peace and kindness and mercy, this is a prayer that I know would be in God’s will for our lives. But what if, while Wendy is working with all these little ones, I stay in bed. Instead of getting up and pulling my share of the load I do nothing to help get the kids fed and clean up after. Instead, I roll over and tune out all the noise. Guess what? If God answers my prayer with a yes, it will only be out of sheer grace for Wendy and mercy for
me. And I know from experience (he says with guilt) that if I'm not there, there is more often war than peace.
The fact is, the man very often sets the tone for the day for the whole family. To want to be a Christian husband and father is a huge responsibility. To the extent that the man fails to fulfill his role in the Christian home, to that extent will his prayers fall on silence at the other end. This is not to say that the wife has no effect on how a family turns out. God has worked through millions and millions of women in the absence of responsible men. Generally though, as the husband goes in his spiritual walk to a large extent so goes the family.
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